Here we go…
Here’s a question for you … ever feel like life has just picked you up by the scruff of the neck, given you a giant shake up, kicked you up the backside a few times, and then threw you back down – just waiting and daring you to get back up again?
On the surface, without any examination or curiosity, circumstances can certainly feel just that cruel.
But …
Perhaps it is an invitation to enter something new in a different way with a more open perspective to meaning and purpose and how we hold ourselves and others as we travel this path of life – this journey home – together.
Today I share what wrote (with full intentions of actually posting it at that time) way back in July. It has been a wild ride since then, and I think I am finally getting back to a place where I can share my journey with you on a more regular basis. If you’re interested in following along.
Tuesday, July 1, 2025 – An Introduction to this new journey
What does it look like to come to terms with the completely unexpected – the blindside-you-from-all-angles type of unexpected? It can come in so many different forms – the breakup of a long and vital relationship – whether that be marital, friend or family, perhaps even a job or career field, adult children who for whatever reason suddenly decide and proclaim you are not a fit person to be in their lives with no room for discussion or understanding, the death of a loved one, tragedy in our communities, the devastating impact of climate change, political upheaval, systematic discrimination, that completely unexpected and unexplainable diagnosis. Whatever form it takes, it can certainly leave us feeling like our world has collapsed.
I officially joined the Wisdom Tree Collective in July 2022 when I was accepted into The School of Spiritual Direction. In late August I received an email from one of my sons (my fourth born) notifying me he and my daughter-in-law had decided I was not safe enough for direct contact with them and my one-year-old grandson whom I had barely even seen, much less hold and snuggle, due to Covid-19.
The shattering of my “identity” as mother – a good mother – began. That was followed in late December/early January by a similar proclamation from one of my daughters (second born) choosing to cut off all communication with me and my husband – whom she had previously adored. The shattering deepened as I accepted (often kicking and screaming) the invitation to explore my “identity” more deeply and to continue my journey into getting to know my Self, becoming more ME. It has been a LOT of releasing what is NOT ME – the well-learned and practiced identification with personality rather than Self.
There have been additional challenges and ah-ha moments along the way, mostly less earth shattering. Until this past December. After a biopsy that then turned into sepsis, almost claiming his life, we were given the diagnosis – prostate cancer.
All things medical move slowly here in Canada. We were told it would probably be late August before he could expect the surgery we agreed was the best course of action. We already had a cruise (our first ever) through the Panama Canal planned for April and were encouraged by his medical team to go. That felt encouraging!
With all our travel plans set in motion and confirmed, I received notice for an appointment with an ENT – a process that had already been over a year and a half of waiting and waiting. What I really needed was a referral to a gastroenterologist, but it had to start with the ENT. The appointment was scheduled for just four days before our cruise. (I guess I should insert here that we live in a more remote, rural area. While we have a little more than just basic medical resources here, the VAST majority of specialists and advanced medical resources are either four or eight hours away. Jimmy’s is eight, mine is four. So, with a few adjustments to our schedule, off we went to the ENT prior to the cruise.
The initial examination revealed a thickening and nodule on my right vocal cord. Surgery to thing the wall and biopsy were recommended as standard procedure. We agreed and headed off for our cruise, with instructions to watch my email for a surgery date notification while we were away. Email was checked daily. When we finally reached US soil again (for cell reception) and still had heard nothing, I phoned to find out why. There had been a misunderstanding in communication, but we were finally given my surgery date – June 25th.
We arrived back home on May 4th. My pre-surgery screenings were all either completed or scheduled when Jimmy received word on his surgery date – June 3rd – which is a far cry different from late August!!! It was a scramble, but we were able to get our ducks in a row and organize everything for his surgery – an 8-hour drive away.
About two weeks later we received the follow up call from his surgeon with the pathology report. His cancer had spread to his bladder and they did not believe they got it all. The shock for us both hit hard – we’re still processing and on hold for six months while they monitor his PSA count, before deciding the next step.
And then off we went for my surgery. [In case you don’t live in a non-metropolitan location, receiving “advanced” medical treatment comes with a cost – travel expenses, accommodation expenses, meal expenses, hours on the road and away from home – for us both each time. Out of pocket expenses. We are very blessed to be able to cover these extra costs, but it takes a toll.] My procedure was a “day surgery”, but we stayed an extra two nights for recovery time and because I have a long history of not responding well to general anesthesia. On our way home, two days post-surgery, we got a call from my surgeon. (I should let you know that there is no cell reception for at least half of that drive. Her timing was amazing!) And the absolutely unexpected news that I, too, have cancer came as a shock, to say the least. I was still on complete voice rest and Jimmy did his best, but honestly, neither of us was prepared to respond to that news. Especially so quickly!
There are so many questions unanswered. And it’s a holiday here today. So the questions have to wait a bit longer. We sit in the unknown, perhaps the unknowable at this point.
I do not and have yet to figure how to like living in this kind of limbo – the uncertain, scary in-between. I suppose I am being not-so-gently invited to figure it out, to recognize that THIS IS the REAL work of being alive. Learning to simply (very not so much) live in the Present ~ awake, aware, alive ~ allowing my Self to come to YES! I AM HERE. To BE IN the in-between in every facet of my Being – even in the temporal, physically felt facets.
For such a time as this. Dayenu!